So, I can’t play guitar at all or any musical instrument. This isn’t just me being modest either, some musicians say they can’t play out of humility but genuinely I have never learned a song and cannot name any major or minor chord.

It might be a little strange then that I’m currently putting together my 6th custom guitar.

Do I run a luthier business? Nope. Do I take commissions from acquaintances as a side hustle? Also no, but I should be. Do I have some kind of deep-seated guitar making compulsion left over from a tragic origin story that’s put me on trajectory to become Luthierman, latest of Batman’s villains of the week?

That last one might actually be true, but no.

Honestly, I have no idea why I’m doing this.

Anyway, here’s a couple of the guitfiddles I make whenever I have 400$ to throw away on lumber and parts.

The Raybenez

I call this copyright infringing beauty of a thumbnail the Raybenez, combination Music Man Stingray innards with an Ibanez headless bass style body, hence the extreme horn and deep curves. It’s built neck-through, with the body middle, neck, and headstock all being one piece.

Fretboard is Purple Heartwood (not that I can tell, colorblind), the body and neck are Tigerwood (not the guy), and the wiring was put together from a passive pickup diagram which, I have to warn you, is not suited for a Stingray at all.

It works, and due to the density of the wood it has some insane sustain, but if you’re looking for something more heavy metal, I would point you to…

Marceline’s Guitar

This is the point where I’m probably carbon dating myself to most of you, but if you have no idea what this is, it’s a faithful recreation of Marceline’s guitar from Adventure Time which I grew up watching in the 2000s.

When I say ‘faithful’ recreation, I really strive for accuracy.

In that spirit, the body is a quarter-inch solid-steel plate, and the neck is steel rectangular tubing with an oak fretboard cold welded onto it. The body is beveled to provide a blunt edge, not enough to slice your jeans if you play it sitting down but heavy and sharp enough to make you hate playing it with all your being.
But, to its credit, the string action is insanely low.

Pretty close right?

And yes, it can play music. I have securely and professionally taped down the delicate electronics as shown above, configuring the pickups for J-Bass output for a surprising amount of punchiness. And yes, it does smash. I’ve slain many cardboard boxes with the thing, and no worse for wear (at least no more than there was already.)

Hades Guitar

This one is modeled after Hades if you’re familiar, and specifically takes influence from the Sigil of the Dead.

My twin brother loves Hades; he’s actually something of a pro. He’s to this day the only one I know to beat 32 heat with just no weapons, just dash.

Anyway, this was a Christmas gift to him, and one of my favorite builds to date.

Pokemon Twins

You ever look at an animal and think “wow that’s really a really object-shaped living creature, lets make it into a thing we can use” and that’s basically how I came up with these guys.

Carbon dating myself again, but my brothers and I grew up with Pokémon and unlike me, my older brother picked up actual guitar playing. So, for Christmas I found out his favorite pokemon in the world:

Blaziken.

Well sucked to be him cause he’s getting a Sharpedo guitar instead.

As it turns out, the dorsal and pectoral fins are almost the perfect shape to fit the equivalent of outward curves on a normal guitar making the thing passably playable for the purposes of playing the thing on your lap, which he did a lot of on account of his leg being broken for that Christmas.

The right is a personal favorite of mine and is based off this generation 7 monstrosity:

I call him ‘Melvin’, named after his older brother ‘Marvin’, his prototype who snapped horribly due to a lack of a truss rod. Rest peacefully Marvin, but long live the king.

I built them because I wanted a bass guitar in college, didn’t want to spend so much money on having one, and saw that this green thing has a long neck and so does the instrument I wanted. All in all, a fun project but I would not suggest hand carving a neck as a novice, at least without some guidance and a mentor.

Conclusions

I can’t believe anybody read this far. If you’re reading this, I appreciate you going through my unfiltered ramblings on this nonsensical hobby of mine.
If you’ve scrolled to the end to see if there’s a point to this article, I’m here to tell you confidently, not really but if you have a cool guitar idea, send it to me.

Next on my Todo list:

• Guitar that activates embedded stun gun in headstock
• Violin made of animal bones

Will update soon.